Response to Everette

This was an essay about Everette growing up. It begins with his mother being deployed to Desert Storm and him living with his grandparents. She eventually comes back and they move to Auburn where Everette develops a love for running and joins a track team. I thought the essay was good. We learned a lot about Everette and how his love for running helped develop who he is now.

*To me, the story of your developing a passion for running and running track is really the heart of this essay I think for this piece to be a bit stronger, consider beginning it when you first moved to Auburn and realized you liked to run and use the part about your mother being in the military and you living with your grandparents as backstory.

*Proofread. The majority of your revision is mainly grammatical errors. Be mindful of capitalizing the first letters of sentences, misused words, missed quotations and proper punctuation. There were several misuses of periods, commas, and semi-colons.

*There were some areas I found to be kind vague and could have been enhanced with a few small descriptions:

On page three, it is said “cry my last tear”. Why was that your last tear? You had never established whether or not were a crier.

On page 4, who is “Ms Laretta”? Was she your coach? Another teammate’s mother? It looks like the fact that she gave you your first pair of spikes is a very big deal so maybe elaborate on her as a person a little bit more. Maybe even talk about the day she gave them to you. Since track is such a big part of your life, I think you should mention more about your meets particularly the first race you lost and the junior high championship.

On page 5, you said you were two time All American. Explain what that is, what it means, and how you got it both times.

*Two parts I have questions about:

What does “get in the plan” on page 4 mean?

Did you runt track at Wallace State? If you did, talk about it. If you didn’t, still talk about why you decided to go to a junior college that didn’t offer track what it did to help/hinder your running track at Auburn.

Be careful about overusing words like “that”, “at all”, and “by the time” and beginning sentences with “so”

*The two clichés

“Not my cup of tea” I suggest you use “not my plate of collard greens” you said it was one of the things you loved the most. It could be a way to omit the cliché and make it something new and unique by including something you like.

“If she was a snake….”  Perhaps use something to credit your mother’s military training to change this one (ex. stealth, camouflage, sneak attack). 

Response to Tracey

First of all, LOL!!!! Only Tracey could pull off something this hilarious. I thought this was very funny and well written. I loved how open and honest Tracey is and I thought the use of profanity made it that much more realistic. I thought Tracey painted the scenery for each story very vividly. It was very easy to get sucked into Tracy's stories and see yourself right there when it happened. I could even hear Tracey narrating each part. This should be a TV show.
Some of my favorites are "bars", "Owen", "panties", and "quiet". I laughed out loud on the transit while reading "bars". The last thing I was expecting to be said was she passed gas. I thought she was going to say she fell. In "owen", I never pegged Tracey for an arsonist but the Hello Kitty toaster seems right up her alley. I could relate very well to 'panties'. I think everyone at some time or another has fallen victim to a runaway piece of underwear only to have it found by someone you don't want to see it, though I'm not sure how many of us have dropped our drawers in front of a whole team.....I found myself able to relate to 'quiet' as well. It was another story with a surprise ending for me. I thought Tracey's minister was going to ask her to pray and Tracey couldn't think of anything to say. Dropping the collection plate came out of left field for me. I loved the part about her parents being "proud". I've had those embarrassing moments in church and I can see my mother vividly sitting low in the pew, with her hands covering her face and shaking her head.
I really couldn't find anything to suggest should be considered for revision. If there were any typos or grammatical errors I failed to catch them.

"Son of Mr Green Jeans" "Me Talk Pretty One Day" "Contributor's Note"

These essays were a little different from the ones we read in the past assignments. "Son of Mr Green Jeans" was the most uniquely written and easily became one of my favorites. Though it is written as a personal essay, it didn't load me down with facts that made me feel like I was in a marine biology lecture like Human Road did. Organizing the information alphabetically was also a very creative idea. It helped to make the essay interesting. Though research is just as present here as it is in other personal essays the use of the alphabet made me want to read more to see how he was going to deliver his point and keep the essay fluid.
Contributor's Note pissed me off. Plain and simple. I was so confused by all the names and nicknames, I was unable to enjoy it or understand it. I really only finished reading it because it was an assignment. The fact that Michael Martone probably wrote this essay was the show the evolution he went through growing up and how he had some nickname to accompany each period in his life yet when he finally got married, he no did not know who he wanted to be. Then again, this may be the furthest thing from what Martone was hoping to convey in this essay but all the names (especially in the beginning with all the fathers and grandfathers) confused me. I spent so much time trying to distinguish one person from another on page one, by page two I was drained. Maybe it was a bad idea on my part to read this one after "Mr Green Jeans". Maybe part of the reason I didn't like it is because i was disappointed in it.
"Me Talk Pretty One Day" was different from the essays in this one involves the speaker reflection of a negative situation that turned into a positive one. I think this one is a memoir. The other memoirs were written about what Balakain and Hiestand experienced as children and how the situation resonated with them now as adults. Sadaris talks about his experience about his French class in France and his revelation occurred right in the moment and not years later.

Response to "Old Country" and "Hose"

"Hose" and "The Old Country" are examples of memoirs. Each of these is about a memory each of the writers had as youth and each end with a sort of reflection or revelation. These differ from "Capital Realism", "Semi-Colon", etc in that these ARE about a particular even and tho there is a larger perspective gained at the end it is still about this particular topic and is inspired by the events written about. 

In "Hose" the author talks about wetting the dress of an elderly neighbor three times as she is on her way to the market. Even after being sprayed with the hose twice, she still continued to walk in front of the author's house. The author found this memorable because it was the first time she had experimented with testing boundaries (as children often do). Even though the author's mother had never verbally told her not to spray passers by with the hose, the rule was implied. But we all know that 'implied' rules are the first to be broken. When forced to apologize, the author said she felt no remorse then but some 40 years later she came to appreciate the lesson she was able to learn from it.

In "The Old Country" the author talks about his close baseball watching relationship with his grandmother. Until he became older and started listening to the radio with his friends. Then when the Cuban Missile Crisis became a threat, the author found himself on the couch with his grandmother again, watching the late night news. One night, the author comes downstairs to see his grandmother light up a long pipe and smoke it while praying in Armenian (the language of her home country). This is when the author realizes that his grandmother is the only connection to his past roots he has because for some reason, the old country isn't there anymore. In this, the author learns to have a greater appreciation for his grandmother.

Response to Brendan Morgan

This story is about Roger, a mechanical engineer who has has some family issues in the past and his only current connection to his relatives now is his sister. Roger has a friend named Kristine who he hangs around with often. When Roger learns that Kristine likes him it puts him in an odd place. He even feels slightly offended. But after thinking about a conversation he had with his sister, he realizes he doesn't want to be alone so he takes a chance on a relationship with Kristine.
I liked the story. I thought making Roger a mechanical engineer was a fresh idea. You don't see many engineers in stories. The idea of not wanting to spend life alone was cleverly introduced, Roger's aunt had been cheated on by a third husband who coincidentally was pretty much the same guy as her first and third husband. I thought the fact that Roger and his friends spent their free time going over zombie apocalyptic survival strategies was funny. Not your typical game night by far.
I have to admit I did like Roger as a person but I would not recommend changing who he is. I found him to be a bit conceded in his talents as an engineer but this helped to support him being so cynical about relationships. I think the fact that I did not like Roger helped me to support his change at the end. What I would have liked to see was more about his relationship with Kristine. While he mentions he felt at ease around her, he never mentioned that he found her attractive or gave the slightest hint that he may even be leaning in the direction of liking her, let alone dating her. Does he really like her or is he just with her because she likes him and he no longer wants to be alone? I would have liked the see a scene where they become a couple. I think the ending came a little too fast.

"Oscar Frances and the Eternal Sadness"

Main character Henry is tired of his mundane life with his wife, Kim. Kim is portrayed as some what lazy (preparing freezer burned food in the microwave and canned fruit). Kim won't even water the peppers she is adamant to have planted every year.Henry even pees on the seat to the toilet to get some kind of reaction out of Kim but he never does. Henry spends the story reminiscing about his past love, Zoe and is regretting letting her go. Henry goes to the attic finally decides to read a book Zoe gave him a long time ago on to find a marriage proposal on the inside. The main reason Henry broke up with Zoe in the first place is because he was tired of their long distance relationship only to find out Zoe was willing to move for him. At the end, Henry gets out and old bag of pot and fires up a blunt.

I liked the descriptions used in the story: How the simple task of watering peppers is used to show how lazy his wife is which also fuels his dislike for bell peppers. I also like how he said the peppers they planted lacked the pep described in their name.
*I would like to know more about Henry's past relationship with Kim and well as Zoe. When and why did his relationship with Zoe become long distant.
*Some Parts I was unsure about:
1.During Henry's dream where it say the first step was lined with blood, did you mean "relatives". I ask that because the next sentence says his mother and sisters are there.
2. I failed to see what about this dream gave him an erection, especially with his mother and sister present. I would think him falling down the steps would instantly kill a boner.
3. What does "Baby beagle boy come see me in the spring" mean? I see that this may be referring to the beagle's character getting his ear nibbled on by the owl in the drawing in the book. This part may need to be redone to come across more clearly.
4. Also, I was unable to connect the relevance of the sentence on page 1 about Tyler to the rest of the story as well as the statement about the bathroom being refinished and the description of the bathroom itself.

"The Dreamer"

In this story, main character Jack is dealing with the sudden lose of a teacher he considered to be a mentor, Mr. Bland. I like the idea of the high school setting. It's something we can all relate to however you didn't fall into the cliche high school drama scenario. I liked the idea that Mr. Bland was a teacher by day and a sort of super hero by night saving students from evil step parents and bad decision making. The detail that no one knew what he did in his spare time strongly supported that. I think the part where Jack told Mr. Bland about Nathan's band prank kind of took away from Mr. Bland's superhero-esque. Mr. Bland usual shows up in the nick of time and knows just what to say every time. I think him mysteriously know about Nathan's prank and preventing would help support the dark avenger quality that has been painted for Mr. Bland. I don't think Jack really changes much at the end, no more than just finding comfort in the knowledge that Mr. Bland is okay as well as his father's killer has been caught. I also thought Nathan and Scott's changes may have been a bit too drastic at the very end. Maybe if the only has slight changes or maybe their transitions could begin right after Mr. Bland leaves. Perhaps they want to continue Mr. Bland's tradition of being helpful to the community. Or maybe Mr. Bland could have left notes for Scott and Nathan as well and that could inspire their changes and they wouldn't seem so drastic. I would like a little more detail about how the police got the lead on Mr. Bland as a suspect. I also think it may be a good idea to give Jack's father's killer a name as well. If a policeman had been murdered and his killer had been found, there would be much more information about it other than just "a suspect". On page 4 it says "It saddened me to think about it, but thinks seemed better without Mr. Bland around." With the level of respect your character had for Mr. Bland, would he really think this. Maybe he would be saddened by the fact that all these new positive changes were going on in school and Mr. Bland wasn't there to see it or be apart of it.
Overall, Great story!!! =)

"All Smiles"

In "All Smiles" main character Alec is tired of his mediocre life and is seeking for fulfillment and stability. He meets Matt who introduces him to a business where he learn he will have the job as a soul collector for an upcoming war. I liked this story very much. It is the first we've read so far that involves a little science fiction without actually lapsing into the sci-fi genre.I liked the how the description of the headlights connect to the story in the end. Also the analogy was new and refreshing. Flashbacks were well done and the transitions from past to present were smooth. I liked the eerie feeling I got when Alec answers the phone and hears the sound before falling to the floor. I thought they were going to verbally hypnotize him or have them meet them somewhere so they could put a bag over his head and drag him to some dark cellar from some kind of initiation. The use of a kind of white noise was unexpected. Well done! Also, Kudos on the ending. The "all he could do was smile" was an excellent and chilling way to tie everything together.
I wanted to know a little more about the upcoming "war". Who is the war against? Why are they going to war? The boss man said that Alec was an important asset because of his writings. I would have liked to know a little more about what Alec had been writing that was so important. Also, how did the "soul collectors" know about Alec's writing? How did they find him? Also, what are Matt and the other guy's jobs? Are they soul collectors as well or is this job something only Alec can do because of his writing. A little more detail in those area would bring the story out more. Sounds like the pilot episode for a TV show. =)

"Freeman"

Main character Caleb is content with living a mediocre life until he goes to freeman to help his brother clean up after a horrible storm devastates the town. After finding a dead body in the wreckage of a destroyed trailer, Caleb decides that he wants to stop being just mediocre and live a life where he can do better than just living in a trailer.
I liked this story a lot because the character reached his resolution in a way I had not expected.
I liked the addition of Jared. I felt like Jared had just enough of a place in the story to serve a strong purpose without having to be overly talkative to so do. Good use of a secondary character.
The imagery of the story was very strong in my opinion. I liked how you used new way of describing the intensity of the heat. You avoided cliche terms like scorching and hot as hell. I liked how smell was used to describe the surroundings and not just visual clues. Consider having Caleb describe his trailer at the end. Maybe he is looking around the room at his own trailer while thinking back at what he helped to clean up in Freeman. Maybe he'll remember the trailer where he found the spoiled food, the woman removing her boxes before setting her trailer ablaze, then the dead body as he reaches his resolution.
Also the final paragraph makes it sound as though the trailer burning and the finding of the body happened the same day.
In the last part when Jared asks Caleb "You did that on purpose,right?" what exactly is he talking about? I was a little bit confused. Is he asking him if he fainted on purpose if did fell back down on the couch on purpose?
I noticed one error on page 1. In paragraph 2, sentence 4 the has should be had to continue to paragraph's past tense. Also a comma missing in Paragrapg 3, sentence 4 and in the last sentence where Jared's clothes are described.

"Nothing to Smile About"

Main character Susan is a college struggling to support herself and deal with a roommate who can not keep a job. Susan's roommate Wanda has pretty much given up on life since her brother died. The conflict is resolved after Susan saves Wanda and she agrees to take the job at the gas station. The majority of the conflict resolution takes place with Wanda more than it does with Susan. Because of this, in my opinion, I feel the story would be more interesting if it were told from Wanda's perspective. Since Wanda's change and her need of fulfillment from men stems from the death of her brother, i was more interested to know what was going through Wanda's head.
I thought the imagery was well done when describing the messiness of Roy's apartment. I would have liked to see more description of the main character(s) apartment. Since she describes everything in her life is crummy and her apartment complex is run down, I wanted to see more. And empty fridge, brown throw pillows and box tv are described. What about the rest of the living room. Is the furniture old and dated? Couch springs sticking out of it? Wobbly leg on the coffee table? Discolored carpet? Does the roof leak when it rains? Just things that will highlight the crumminess.
Consider not having Wanda say "like" so much. I found it to be very distracting. Also be careful of "Um". Try using gestures (ex. eye rolling) to help support sarcasm.
In one part of the story it says Susan feels like she and Wanda have nothing in common but later she says she loves her like a sister and they have been friends since grade school. Would their friendship really be this strong if they had nothing in common? Consider going back and looking at that.
I felt James's character was cardboard.Though James's place in the main character's life is shown, the story is just as strong without him. Perhaps if you feel strongly about keeping him, make the story more about her relationship with James and less about Wanda.
I really liked this story though. i felt like it offered a different perspective on the strength of friendship.

"New Identities"

In New Identities, main character Gavin wants to continue to live the peacefully life he has created for himself in Bolder, but that is threatened when Brad (a bully from his old school) transfers there. Not giving Brad the opportunity to ruin his life, Gavin starts a rumor about Brad being gay so his friend immediately exile him.

What I liked about the story is how is pulls your emotions back and forth. At first I was rooting for Gavin to get even with Brad but later on, I felt bad for Brad and was looking forward to seeing Gavin's change of heart. This was cleverly done because most of the time, we find ourselves pulling for the person who is depicted as the underdog all the way till the end. I liked that Lauren created a way for me to dislike Gavin momentarily.

I would like to see Brad's character developed a little more.
An area where I think should be considered for revision is when Brad first arrives at school. I would have liked to see Brad and Gavin interact. Perhaps Brad might try to make amends with Gavin since he is new at school and Gavin does not want to be his friend and announces out loud that Brad is gay. I say this because Brad and Gavin become friends at the end but the readers have no indication that Brad has changed from the bully he once was after moving to Bolder. I think it would make their friendship at the end make a little more sense. Perhaps make a scene out of the apology rather than just a summary.

As far as imagery, I think the "wooded area" where the accident might sound good if it was described. Maybe a few descriptions of the accident. Did that hit a lot of trees/forestry as they slid down the drop off? Did they just hit one large tree and the accident was over? On page 6 it says Tommy was killed on impact. Impact with what? Where was Tommy sitting in the vehicle? Was he up front with TJ? In the back with Gavin/Luke?

I found this story to be believable but not necessarily original. It's kind of like the "Teen Drinking and Driving/Peer Pressure" stories you hear in D.A.R.E. However, it is still a strong story. 

"Tiny, Smiling Daddy"

This one had to be my least favorite but I think it was the most creatively written. I also like how the story contained a lot of small back stories. They were necessary yet, did not weight the story down. Stew is deeply hurt by the article Kitty put in Self magazine about him. Throughout the story we see the father painting the picture to readers as thought he was the ideal parent (that only made a few mistakes) and that Kitty was just this out of control hard ass. He described Kitty's distance as she began to grow up and how much she changed after she became a lesbian. Stew admits that he made clear to Kitty his distaste in her lifestyle and well as his willingness to allow her to move out if she chose to, but not like it is revealed in the end. I found it bit troubling how he talks about how beautiful Kitty is. I've never been the father of a child but I would be a bit disturbed if my father thought of me in such a way. This also makes me wonder if Stew's disapproval for Kitty's homosexuality runs deeper than just the neighbor's stares. What I did like about this story is how even though it is told from Stew's point of view, his point of view seems to be a bit skewered. Most of the time, writers give the readers the main speaker's thoughts and everything is absolutely accurate. Stew's thoughts seemed to be diluted like he is ashamed at how he treated Kitty so he goes through lying to himself about how he handled the situation. At first I was tempted to sympathize with Stew because I've seen my family members do all they can to keep a child on the "right path" only to spit in the face for their efforts. But in this case, Kitty was being a typical growing girl. Everyone goes through a rebellious stage and the phase where we think our parents are the most uncool people we know, hell bent on ruining our public reputation. But in the end we learn that there was distance between Stew and his father as well so coming from a family that had distance issues, Stew's relationship with Kitty was destined to have some distance issues as well.

"A Temporary Matter"

This story has become my favorite of all the ones we've read. The drifting apart couple seemed like they were about to finally mend their marriage only to at the end drift to decide to drift even further apart. I liked how the story seemed to be told through a series of flashbacks as well as present tense without become boring and the flashback sequences were not over worked. I thought the little reveal game during the power outages was very clever idea, although I was expecting some deeper dirt to come up other than cheating on tests and bar hopping. I didn't like Shoba's character very much in this story. I wanted so very much to sympathize with her after the still birth of her child but at the end, I was unable to. The fact that she excluded Shukumar from her life afterwards made me fall out with her. Yes, I understand she was the one carrying the baby and Shukumar wasn't there when she went to the hospital but he lost a child too. But then again, perhaps if Shoba knew that Shukumar had gotten to see their son and held him, she may have behaved differently. I'm not sure if Shukumar kept this information from her for her benefit or just merely to be spiteful. Though the texted said he wouldn't tell her [because he loved her and it was the one thing she had wanted to be a surprise].... but I'm sure a part of him blamed her for the death of the child even though it wasn't her fault the baby died, I believe some part of him held a distaste for her after that. I'm also sure Shoba felt the same about him for not being there. I feel like both of these issues are really the cause of the marriage falling apart. I believe that if Shukumar would have told Shoba that he had made it in time to see the baby, she would not have created the distance between them. But then again, who's to say it's not what Shukumar wanted deep down anyway? I

Brownies

I liked how this story was told from the viewpoint of one of the girl scouts. I think it showed how realistically catty girls can be, even in the fourth grade. I remember girls in my class always using big words incorrectly and always trying to find an excuse to be bossy and pick at people. I think ZZ does  a good job of demonstrating the real sneakiness of little girls but yet not making them too bratty. I was expecting this story to be told from the Scout Mother's prospective. I also though she did a good job of describing the setting. Instead of just setting the scout in the cabin, she has them "wending their way passed their bus, past the ranger station, past the colorful trail". I also like the phrase "like a treasure map". When one thinks of camp grounds it is often full of winding trails and little obstacles like rock, rivers, and tree stumps and treasure maps are the same with their winding dashed lined trails and "six paces past the blah blah blah.".

Response to "Sea Oak"

This is by far the most bazaar story (long or short) I've ever read. I went through a series of emotions reading this one. At first I thought it was mainly going to be a story about a poor family trying to make ends meet in a rough, crime ridden neighborhood. I'm glad it wasn't because I it would have become bored with it rather quickly. I'm not sure if the author meant for the moment to be serious but I found myself slightly tickled with Aunt Bernie's death on the couch. I didn't find it funny that she died, just that Jade and Min took turns pinching and poking her to check and see. Who does that? I laughed really hard at the part during funeral discussions when the bottom of the casket read "fold Tab A into Slot B". Though it was meant to serve as a highlight for how poor the family was, I've never heard of a folded casket. Another emotion I felt reading this was fear. Yes, I will admit it. When it came to the part about Aunt Bernie's grave being robbed I was so tempted to stop reading even though I pushed through because it was an assigned reading. Something about the dead and cemeteries has never sat right with me. I think it has a lot to do with the fear I had of the Michael Jackson "Thriller" video as a child. Back to the story, I hoped the family would find Aunt Bernie but when the speaker came home and Aunt Bernie was sitting in the chair, I was fit to be tied. I thought someone had brought this old lady home and propped her up in the living room to torture the family, at least until she started talking. I found myself waiting for the story to turn out to be a dream.
Aside from the narrative of the story, I was shocked at the use of so many "four-letter curse words" (as my mom would say). Not that I'm a stranger to strong language, it was just interesting to see it in a book of short stories as well as be assigned to read it for a class. I did not think the language took away from the story, but added to it. My mom has to be SERIOUSLY upset to curse so I felt like the use of it in this story just served to show how desperate and fed up the family was even though the two sisters seem to curse for absolutely no reason at all. I may not remember the name of the story as "Sea Oak" but years down the road, I will remember the story about the old lady who "LIFE PASSED HER BY, DIED DISAPPOINTED,  [and] CAME BACK TO LIFE BUT FELL APART."
*Another note I'd like to make is that while the story is strange and bazaar to stand out in a persons memory, but I don't think the title is strong enough to be remembered. I had to open the book again just to know what to title the post. But, this is just my opinion.

Response to "The Things They Carried"

I really like the story “The Things They Carried.” I thought it was an excellent first look at literary fiction. The story was informative and good even though there is no certain category the story could be put in. I liked that it wasn’t some sappy war love story where the soldier and girlfriend were so wrapped up in one another that the essence of the war is lost, which tends to happen in so many war stories. In this short story the phrase “The things They Carried” is used through out to describe the items the soldiers carried in their bags during certain times during the war from ammunition, to food, to items used for a bit of free time. Not only does O’Brian list the items carried, but also the weight of the items, demonstrating the kind of physical burdens each soldier had to bear. Also, each soldier carried something different based on his own individual size, which I think makes the story more realistic because he didn’t have them all carrying the same gun just for the hell of it. O’Brian also demonstrated the kind of mental burdens the soldiers had to carry, fear of being killed, prejudices, long lost loves. I like how even though there are 2 soldiers primarily mentioned, the other soldiers share equal (though smaller) parts of the story with out weighing the story down. I like how O’Brian only provided brief accounts of Martha, treating her as one of the ghosts he said the soldiers carried. Even though Martha was a physical being she proved to be a serious mental burden more than she proved to be a comfort. I also like the use of the constant reference to the death of Ted Lavender, because it shows that the speaker whole frame of mind is based on a time line center around his passing indicating how this is a mental burden for him to carry.